currently untitled
by nanimonoda
Summary: Wishing badly enough, long enough for something won't necessarily make it come true as it was imagined. Even if your feelings don't change, your perspective will. Choices are made first; clarity only comes afterward. Watanuki reaches his limits as a human, realizing that waiting forever, however noble, may not be the correct means to the end he wished for. Eventual DouWata
1. Chapter 1

The air eddied and swirled around in brief bursts, flowing in to fill the spaces where wood and plaster faded out, and forced back out where building reappeared. The effect was something like sunlight at the bottom of a clear, deep stream, filtered through swaying branches.

That imposing front door had creaked shut behind a short time ago, but the fitful breeze, the occasional dappling of sunlight on what should be a dark interior hall, and the walls, the plank ceiling that kept dancing in and out of focus helped erase the girl's sense of hesitation at possibly trespassing, along with her sense of reality. Her steps were slowing, she realized somehow- oddly unafraid, as if in a stupor- of having lost any sense of size of the space around her, and the time it took to traverse the unfamiliar hall.

An open doorway glowed dimly with warmer colors, and offered a strange sight once she finally reached and stepped over its threshold.

The old post and beam, nurikabe walls were half-draped in dark velvety fabric, showcasing an elaborate chaise lounge that sat shamelessly on the tatami, as if they were made to exist together. The room smelled vaguely spicy, in the way that cedar might after having absorbed incense and other smoke for lifetimes. Sure enough, there was a tabako bon on the floor near the head (foot?) of the lounge, almost hidden behind a couple of fallen pillows. There were two sets of shoji, open through another room to an engawa running along what must be the back garden.

The house was empty and quiet, except for the sound of air moving through, in, and around matter that didn't seem to know whether it should exist, and the faint chirping of a gang of city sparrows out in the street.

While she moved through the flickering space towards the late morning brightness of the garden, a spark of logic in the girl's head flared and asked what exactly was going on, and why the hell was she wandering around in someone else's house- someone else's clearly and undeniably not-normal house? Another dismissive thought argued that there'd be time for that to be worked out when she found herself back inside, searching deeper in the building.

Just as the first voice geared up to pick apart the absurdity of a non-reason like that (and wasn't she already sneaking around in someone else's house for no reason, meaning the only rational thing to do would be to get out unnoticed as quickly as possible), the back yard came into full view along with the perfectly incongruous form of a young adult in what looked like a school uniform, lying in a slightly skewed, uncomfortable-looking position on the engawa.

"Ano, ...sumimasen - hello? "

"Are you asleep?"

That was stupid.

"Are you awake?"

Finally a little unnerved, she knelt near the boy's knees and leaned in a bit. He was thin and his hands and face were noticeably pale, accentuated by blue veins that ran across and around his knuckles, a shock of thick black hair over one temple, and faint purple shadows under the eyes. He looked exhausted, maybe even sick, but was breathing, slowly at least- she could just see his midsection rise and fall under the loose white shirt, by the almost imperceptible movement of the hand draped across it.

She tried softly to wake him up one more time, but didn't get a single twitch in response. Sitting back on her heels and sighing, she looked up and around herself. The dreamlike quality of being in a building that kept fading in and out of view in places aside, it seemed like it had been, could be a friendly, cozy place to be, if it wasn't so ...empty. She got up and reluctantly walked back towards the hall that would lead out the front door, and was just starting to notice that the walls around her suddenly weren't fading in and out of focus so much, and the wind had died down, when a creaky voice called out, "Wait".

She froze, then turned and faced back towards the open door, bowing.

"Ah, I'm sorry, I don't know why I came in on my own like this, it was already happening when I realized, and I was going to leave but I saw you sleeping, but then didn't really want to wake you up, so,"

"I'm sorry I wasn't awake to welcome you, but don't worry, you aren't trespassing. This is a shop, and you came here for a good reason."

The boy was kneeling, head bowed, as if rising was difficult- he put a hand on a post for support, then a little unsteadily, stood up and looked her in the eyes. His face was almost clear and calm. His hooded, exhausted eyes pinned her with a strength he shouldn't have, and she felt like he was looking right through her, but there was something. Something in the way his body wavered, showing gravity did actually have a hold, something like the momentary suggestion of lines creased around his young, slightly red, bruised-looking eyes in extreme pain, made him look human- like they had some weakness in common, even if this wasn't quite the same world she lived in, and had just stepped sideways out of into a house that didn't completely exist

It looked for a second like he might smile, or raise his eyebrows and tilt his head in a disarmingly boyish way. But as he drew in a breath to speak, his expression became even more blank, eyes dark and unreflective, and she wondered who was in more of a trance between the two of them.

"You have a wish. Can you tell me about it?"


	2. Chapter 2

A faint rattling echoed, for just a moment, bouncing off walls and traveling away from the storeroom, ending as it reached Watanuki's ears. He tilted his head just a hair towards the open shoji, eyes trained on the moon which was just rising over the fence. At the sound of a loose wooden frame smacking the floor deep in the building, he straigthened out, slowly lifting her pipe the rest of the way to his mouth, wondering idly when the last time was that he'd actually seen the moon not wreathed in trails of smoke.  
"Akari-san, you still come back every year, even though I haven't made the trip in ages."  
"I'm still holding out for a proper greeting, boy. But at least you're awake this time."  
He looked over his left shoulder at the cat youkai floating in the doorway. She gave him a slow, scrutinizing once-over with narrowed eyes over the enormous, very full houzuki balanced carefully between her paws. It glowed faintly from the unearthly clear liquid just visible through its skin. His gaze, heavy with memory, settled on the container for too long and when he looked up again, saw that her pupils had dilated and she looked just a little surprised.  
"Something's... changed."  
His mouth twitched up at the corners in acknowledgement. He looked off to the side, eyebrows furrowed, gaze sliding out of focus.  
"I've learned to see and understand a lot, over the years. One thing I've realized, is that I needed learn to be able to see a lot of things before I could understand how blind I am."  
She sat next to him, snorting inaudibly at the bowl and tray of empty cups set out, waiting. Some things were still the same as ever.  
"Blind. Not entirely, I wouldn't say. Your sadness smells different. You feel ...dim. You've made a decision... or are you regretting a choice you made?"  
He reached out to take the houzuki, carefully poured kanrou into two of the cups (there were four) and set it upright in the bowl so it wouldn't spill. He slowly, thoughtfully raised them and handed one to her. The solemn look on his face was nothing new, he'd had it since he was a flailing child. But it felt entirely different to her right now.  
"Not exactly, rather ... I'm human. still. Still human. After all this time.

He shifted, looking slightly uncomfortable, like it was difficult to put his thoughts into words.  
"I was lucky enough, despite my unlikely, unlucky existence, to have a normal human heart... but it's reached its limits.

"It's been too long. I've gone too far outside the bounds of human life. The things they curse, like the shortness of life and the pain of love and loss - we need a lot of them to be what we are, turns out. It's one difference between us that must make youkai and humans incomprehensible to each other."  
"Incomprehensible. heh." She crossed her arms over her lap, cradling the cup in her paws, and bowed her head slightly in a nod. "You don't say."  
"It's falling apart. I'm failing."  
He glanced in at the room behind her, where in places, it continued to flicker in and out of substance.  
"I don't feel like I made the wrong decision, but... I don't belong here, really, not anymore."  
"But you don't regret having waited."  
"The wish that set all this in motion was to see her again, and that hasn't disappeared. The waiting wasn't the wish, but it was the only way I could see to make it possible. As if I could control the outcome."  
The corner of his mouth twitched in self deprecation. He turned his cup slowly in his hands, eyes downcast.  
"That wish has grown, or evolved somewhat, and isn't fundamentally different.  
"But if I continue like this, I won't be human anymore. I might still be alive, but I won't be myself, and that by itself would defeat the entire purpose of my having stayed to wait."  
"So you've decided not to wait anymore."  
"They'll never come back to this world."  
"They?"  
"The ones I was closest to. The ones that were family to me, including Yuuko-san. I need to be where they are, wherever that is. They may never return to this place, but I can still wish to find them, and follow them, if it isn't too late, if I haven't lingered here too long. I think I got too caught up in trying to grant Yuuko-san's wish, and trying to control things I really couldn't, thinking I could make it easier for her to grant mine.  
My wish was never to wait. It was to be with the ones I love. It just took me too long to understand that."  
"That's as big a decision as the one you made back then. No wonder things feel so tenuous here." She looked at him, sadly, wondering how many humans had the strength to contain grief that never faded, even for one life span. If anything, Watanuki's seemed to have grown much stronger in the past several years. Maybe this change gave him freedom he hadn't had before,  
"because you don't have to try so hard to be strong, to endure, anymore. I'm glad I caught you in time, this year."  
He looked at her and raised his cup.  
"Kampai."


End file.
